The weight of One

The BIG family

A close friend (first generation citizen) of mine once told me they felt like they had to follow every direction from their parents because they were an only child. So they did, and I saw how it ate at them. But I also saw how purpose driven they were at the same time.

Having no siblings to dilutes expectation because there's no one else to absorb it. Just the single child. They are practically adjacent to the everyday struggle of their parents. Watching their parents dedicate themselves to work they hated just they could have a chance in this New World - it's incredibly hard to go about life knowing you could waste that.

This dynamic made me wonder: is this cultural, or structural? Do single children experience a kind of weight that larger families distribute without even realizing?

When you're the only hope, the only story, it can feel as though your decisions are not really yours. Risk becomes more expensive. Failure becomes less personal and more communal. A failure child-y can leave it to successful child-x to be the one to make “Mom and Dad proud”. The instinct of rebellion just seems to invite itself more into a larger home. This might be because in a large room of siblings, there's a strong desire to break away from the homogeneity. Someone always feels the need to write a different story.

I’m not an only child. But my brother has special needs. So part of me has carried a similar script: that I cannot fail. That the sacrifices made on my behalf, the adjustments and accommodations, require a certain outcome. It also has made rebellion a non-option for me. It weighs on me but I've learned to embrace what I believe to be a welcomed sacrifice.

And yet, I look at large families and see something different: a whole cast of characters - There's the comedian, the irresponsible/rebellious one, the natural leader, the baby of the family. Each role seems so predictable, even inevitable.

It makes me wonder how I would’ve handled those dynamics were circumstances different with me.

It also makes me wonder how I should handle them now, in my own home.

I don’t want any of my children to carry the kind of burden I live with. But I also don’t want them trapped in these familiar roles that families often hand out.

I read that there are more than 70 trillion genetic combinations with each child. Which means the differences are inevitable. The biological element of surprise is built in to each family. So perhaps the work isn’t to control who they become, but to hold steady on the values that matter. The family values that hopefully weave cultural, societal and spiritual lessons into our home.

In the end, what I hope for is simple: that they stand on their own, contribute to society, and live with enough discipline to make something of the extraordinary lottery they’ve already won.

Because what I've learned in my short time of observation is that these familial roles -whether imposed or not - can shape destinies. The hard part is noticing them before they become one’s identity.