Bad Brother
Part 4
Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
― Nora Ephron
So you may be asking yourself :
Why does he insist on calling himself a bad brother?
Do I actually think I'm a bad brother?
I actually do. It's a very deep guilt that I attempt to heal only through service.
There's this saying:
Tragedy happens only when you are trying to live well.
One might imagine a life alongside someone with a disability and focus on the suffering. But the only person who really suffers are the subjects, not the objects. My brother doesn't suffer. He lives freely. Everyday he gets to do what he wants because he never harps on what he doesn't have. If he can't get the iPad, he'll find someone’s phone. If there's no phone, then the TV. If there's no TV, then the radio. If there's no radio, he will sing songs to himself out loud. He will always manage to find himself arrive at happiness.
Even at the age of 35, I still don't know how to handle some situations. There's no textbook, there's no guide. I've seen therapists. I've been to endless therapeutic camps as a child. Nothing prepares you for this. Nothing. There are just experiences you have to learn from and you adjust and adapt.
For instance what do you do when you see a 14-year-old hit your 30-year-old brother and call him “retarded”? Do you try to discipline the 14-year-old? Or do you tell your brother to fight back and make sure he doesn't get picked on? I don't know. What if that 14 year old was now 6 years old? I still don't know.
What do you do when your brother pees on himself at 30 years of age, because he was unable to tell you he had to go to the bathroom? Do you reprimand him for not talking? Or do you just tell him it's okay and don't make him feel isolated.
What do you do when you see your brother look at a girl who's attractive and all he desperately wants to do is engage in conversation with her? Do you call the girl over? Or do you let him accept the fact that that girl won't give him the time of day once she notices that he has special needs?
What do you do when your brother stares at someone for so long they see it as a signal to challenge their manhood? Do you tell the guy that he doesn't know any better? Or do tell your brother to stop staring at people like that?
These have all occurred and there's so many other scenarios like this that I've experienced and I thought and double thought how I could handle the situation better. I don't want to do what the old big brother would do. Truthfully , I don't think I'll ever have it figured out. But I do want to be better.
For closure on the whole bike incident (read Part 2), I attempted to atone by taking my brother in the bike ride of his dreams. We rented bikes from downtown Chicago and rode into Rogers Park and took the same exact route from before. This time we kept riding. I let him lead the way. He took us all the way to Evanston, IL. It was a blast. It was a total of 30 miles. He fell once and it brought me flashbacks of the day when I lost him. But like I mentioned before, I suffered…not him. He brushed himself up and got back on to start riding.
I decided that I wasnt’t going to avoid having all the moments that I dreamed of having with him. I stopped thinking about the things I never got to do with him. So one night a Almost a decade ago I told my boys that he must come out with us to the club. They were more than ok with it. It was a blast. We did that a few more times after. Clearly I've found better friends since grade school.
When I got married, I wanted to make sure he had a moment like every brother should. Because no one deserves to give the Best Man speech more than him. He's seen more of me than anyone. So my brother had his moment to speak at my wedding. He didn't say much. He rehearsed quite a bit. Ultimately, he nailed his speech.
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim. Ibrahim, I love you. Aishat, welcome to the family.
He got a standing ovation from many there. Including me.
For his 18th birthday, my mom had a BIG party for him at some fancy hotel. Over 150 we're in attendance. He loved 106 & Park so my friend and I shot a video with our own version called Western & Howard. His present from me was 2 videos with me and my friends as characters reenacting Kanye West-Flashing lights and Leona Lewis - Bleeding love. My brother got up out of his seat and danced when we played it on the big screen at his celebration , by himself, on the dance floor. Priceless.
My brother had been to ALOT of my basketball games, but he never saw me train. One summer when I was in the off-season for basketball, I brought him with me to be my rebounder. He got a great work out that day chasing down my misses. I didn’t put him through that torture again.
There are things that I can never bring him no matter how bad I try. He may never get to enjoy the company of a woman or see the birth of his child and honestly, that hurts to write. Because every man deserves that right? I think so. Especially him. There's not one person that he doesn't put on a smile for. I think my biggest wish is that he get the same love from others that he has in his heart for them. He truly lights up around people. When I see people mistreat others or treat him differently as though they warrant it, it saddens my heart because I know this isn't humanity at it's best.
There's the moment that you recognize someone realizes my brother is different. It's such an awkward occurrence. It's natural, but to this day it makes me uncomfortable. Their whole demeanor changes. I always feel like I need to brief people about him before they meet him. Is that right? Nobody briefs me on their siblings before meeting him for the first time. Why do I need to do the same?
Then there are THE PEOPLE.
THE PEOPLE are far better than me. They see him as they see themselves- helplessly human - with abilities, disabilities, fears, joys and desires. And they take him in like they'd take in their own. When I met these PEOPLE, I marvel. Because they are far better than me and my brother is deserving of their company. They are people who voluntarily devote their lives to making my brother’s life brighter. They are disguised as teachers, therapists, counselors, respite workers, camp counselors, doctors and more. My mother is one of these PEOPLE. My wife is also one of these PEOPLE. I always said that whoever I marry would need to be a better sibling to my brother than I ever could be. If left to it, I know my brother would have a good sister in her. This is why I know my daughter will be one of those PEOPLE also.